Disclaimer no. 1: This blog is based on my personal experiences and reflections, not professional advice.
Disclaimer no. 2: All the links in this blog post are for informational purposes only. I am not affiliated with any of the products or sellers mentioned and do not receive any commissions from purchases made through these links.
What happened?
While going through my old books, I chanced upon an incident of three best friends and a bag of gold coins. Out of all the lessons, 'Never befriend a fair-weather friend' was something that hit me like a thunderbolt. It reminded me of a very pained chapter from my teenage years where I had encountered the hardships due to trusting the wrong person.
A "fair-weather friend" is one who sticks around during good times, but disappears when life gets rough. Such persons are often charismatic and supportive in good times to you, but their true color comes out in bad times when you need him or her most.
A "fair-weather friend" is one who appears only when things are going well but disappears when life turns sour. They can be charming, supportive, and seemingly reliable when the sun shines bright, but when the storm clouds roll in, their true colors come out, and they disappear into thin air.
This idea isn’t new—it has been captured throughout history, including in literature. Take Shakespeare’s Hamlet, for example. The characters Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who once stood as Hamlet’s trusted companions, quickly align with the manipulative King Claudius when the going gets tough. They abandon Hamlet, choosing their own interests over loyalty. This disappointment highlights a timeless lesson: some friends will only stick around during your best times, but when you face adversity, they’ll turn their backs. It’s a powerful reminder to recognize who truly has your back, especially when challenges arise.
Now that we’ve explored what a fair-weather friend is and where the concept comes from, let me share a personal story. One that really opened my eyes to the true nature of such friendships.
The experience
It was a time when I was at my peak in terms of academics. I'd just completed 7th grade at A.B. Public School, and to get admitted to 8th grade, I had no choice but to change schools because there was no 8th grade there. So, I transferred from A.B. Public School to the Academic School of the Educators.
In 8th grade, I became the class representative, replacing the former representative, who had held that role from nursery through 7th grade. Everyone in the class thought it was a straight no to be a class representative until my predecessor left. Not bragging, but yeah, I was that good in studies back in the days.
After the exams of 8th grade, I scored 1st position. So, that’s how I became the class representative in 9th grade. We had a new classmate named Akash who was tall, healthy, and very friendly with the other classmates. In class, he was attentive and punctual.
Whenever he found something difficult in his studies, he would ask me for help. As a class representative, I usually set my tasks aside to assist him first.
One day, he asked for my social media profiles so he could message me if he needed help with his studies. Without giving it a second thought, I happily shared my WhatsApp number and Facebook username. After that, we used to keep in touch outside the class too. We shared notes, diaries, and discussed tests.
As time passed, it slowly became his daily routine to message me. I always responded, putting my studies and other household duties on hold. This led to us becoming very close, and we shared every bit of knowledge with each other—or so I thought.
And in our school, the principal was so strict that whenever he listened to our lessons, he physically reprimanded us, even if we missed a single word or punctuation mark. Such reprimands can have serious consequences. As Dr. Dan Olweus, a top expert on bullying, explains in his book named Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do, physical reprimands in schools can have lasting negative effects on a child’s mental health and academic performance, often causing anxiety, low self-esteem, and fear.
He remained strict with our 9th and 10th grades as well. At that time, the reason for his strictness that most of the students believed was that in Pakistan, mostly private schools make big bucks by advertising the highest marks of their 9th and 10th-grade students. So, we thought that he was doing it for the money.
We used to go to school at 7 AM (morning) and come back around 8 PM (night). This was our everyday routine. During this time, we had to study 8 different subjects each day, and to top it off, we had to take a test in one subject from Monday to Friday and two subjects on Saturday.
As I mentioned earlier, from Monday to Friday, there was a test in one subject per day. The principal would listen to what we had prepared, and if we missed even a single thing, we would be reprimanded physically. After that, we would write the test on paper, and if we missed a single thing there as well, he would reprimand us again.
You must be wondering how difficult it was to prepare all this, right? For your knowledge, we had to prepare entire books for all 8 subjects. We were told very strictly not to skip a single dot and were forbidden to change any punctuation mark. So, we had to memorize all the material in each class.
As time passed and the annual exams of my 9th grade approached, the reprimands intensified. Luckily, my parents were supportive. I told them everything, and they contacted the principal to request that I not be reprimanded. However, this backfired; the principal became even more furious and started looking for more reasons to reprimand me daily, just because I had confided in my parents and they tried to intervene.
After all this, in the last months before my 9th-grade annual exams, my parents and I decided it would be best for me to study at home to prepare for the exams without any mental and physical harm.
When I stopped going to school, I received a message from Akash saying that everything was okay and that I could return to school without any worries.
At that time, something felt off, but I thought my best friend (Akash) was telling me the truth, so everything would be fine, and I could rely on him.
The next day, when I went to school, the ground seemed to slip from under my feet as there was a math test, and the principal was also there with a metal rod. It was winter, and we were sitting on the roof of the school building. My legs started shaking, and my breathing became short because I knew what was about to happen. Unfortunately, I hadn’t prepared the chapter of the math book that was going to be tested.
I confronted Akash and asked him to help me. At first, he made excuses, saying he wasn’t prepared for the math test either. But when the test for the first exercise of that chapter was about to begin, the teacher asked if we were ready. Akash was the one who raised his voice loudly and clearly, saying that we were ready for the entire chapter, not just the first exercise, and that we could take the test right then.
I looked at him in surprise, because moments earlier, he claimed he wasn’t ready for that chapter. Now he was saying he was ready for the whole chapter’s test.
I confronted him again and told him that his statement contradicted what he had just said. But he simply denied it, saying, “I never said that,” and claimed I was the one who was lying.
In this case, my fair-weathered friend not only abandoned me when things got tricky but also put me in a difficult situation.
But that’s not the end. What happened afterward has been written here.
The lessons
That’s how I became aware of this world’s brutal reality check, and those were the wounds of my teenage life that I was talking about. However, all the lessons it taught me are priceless. If I have to summarize what I learned from this experience, I would say:
1. Always consult your parents before befriending anyone
Our parents, with their wisdom and life experiences, can often see the red flags we may overlook in our innocence and trust.
When I became close friends with Akash, I didn’t think twice about the nature of our friendship or his intentions. I believed in him blindly, thinking he was a true friend. But when things became challenging, he not only failed to support me but also added to my difficulties.
Had I shared more about Akash with my parents from the beginning, they might have noticed things I didn’t. Their advice could have protected me from this disappointment. Parents can offer valuable guidance because they see things from a perspective that we, as children, often cannot.
In the end, this painful chapter taught me the value of my parents’ wisdom. Friendship is a beautiful part of life, but it’s important to choose friends wisely. Consulting your parents before trusting someone new can save you from heartache and help you find friendships that are genuine and lasting.
Research backs this up. Studies have shown that parental involvement in children’s friendships can protect them from negative influences. For example, a study published on PubMed Central highlights that when parents actively monitor their children's friendships and offer guidance, they can help shield them from harmful relationships. Parents' awareness and involvement in their children's social lives can prevent them from befriending individuals who might have a negative influence.
Another study published on PubMed Central suggests that when parents are involved in understanding their children's friendships, they are more likely to intervene in time to avoid potentially harmful friendships. Parents can spot issues in relationships that children might overlook due to their limited experience.
In fact, the quality of adolescent friendships can impact adult well-being. Research from NIH suggests that friendships built on trust and stability in adolescence contribute to better mental health, work performance, and interpersonal relationships in adulthood. On the other hand, unhealthy friendships during these formative years can have long-lasting effects.
Dr. Dan Olweus, a psychologist specializing in bullying and friendships, emphasizes that parents’ instincts are often the first line of defense against harmful influences. His research shows how crucial parental involvement is in identifying potential issues early.
As Dr. Jan Yager, discusses in her book “When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You,” “The friends you make during adolescence shape your emotional and social well-being for decades. Consulting trusted mentors, like parents, can save you from years of emotional turmoil caused by bad friendships.”
2. If something feels inappropriate, always share it with your parents
This entire experience taught me one of the most valuable lessons of my life: whenever something feels wrong or inappropriate, never hesitate to share it with your parents. They are the ones who will stand by you unconditionally, offering guidance and protection, even in the most challenging situations.
Looking back, when I started feeling uneasy about Akash’s behavior or the strict environment at school, I should have trusted my instincts earlier and shared everything with my parents without delay. Their intervention helped me realize the importance of seeking support when things don’t feel right.
Dr. Dan Olweus, in his book Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do, emphasizes that open communication between parents and children is crucial for overcoming challenges, especially in environments where authority figures may misuse their power.
Had I not spoken up, the cycle of fear and anxiety could have worsened. But this experience reaffirmed that my parents are my safest allies, and keeping them informed about my struggles led to the best decisions for my well-being.
Remember, no matter how small or big the problem may seem, if something feels off, talk to your parents—they will always have your back.
3. Respect elders but don’t let them inflict harm on you
Growing up, I was always taught to respect my elders, a value deeply ingrained in many cultures. It’s a principle that teaches us to honor experience and authority. However, through personal experiences with a strict principle and the let down of a so-called friend, I learned that while respect is essential, it should never come at the cost of one’s mental and physical well-being. This realization is critical, as studies show that maintaining personal boundaries and ensuring mental health are necessary components of a fulfilling life.
It is easy to confuse respect with submission, especially when authority figures or individuals in positions of power are involved. Because when I was subjected to strict reprimands at school, I felt anxiety and fear building up. It was a lesson I learned the hard way—one that aligns with the psychologist Dr. Dan Olweus, an expert on bullying, mentions in his book “Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do” that strict treatment in schools can have significant negative effects on children, including mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and a reduced sense of self-worth. Back then, in my experience, the principal’s strict actions seemed justified by his authority, but I later realized that true respect is not about enduring harm—it’s about setting boundaries.
Respect should not mean blindly following authority figures who inflict harm. As Dr. Jan Yager, a friendship coach, explains in her book When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You, “Respecting an elder or an authority figure is essential, but respecting yourself and ensuring your well-being is even more important.”
Setting boundaries is crucial and Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book “Full Catastrophe Living (Revised Edition): Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness” also supports this idea by emphasizing that individuals who fail to set boundaries with others, especially authority figures, are at a higher risk for burnout and psychological distress.
In my situation, enduring the strict reprimands, believing they were a form of respect towards the principal, was harmful to my mental health. The stress, fear, and anxiety I experienced were not signs of respect—they were signs of unhealthy submission. I learned that true respect involves understanding when authority is crossing boundaries that are harmful, and when it’s time to speak up or withdraw.
Similarly, my experience with my friend Akash reinforced the importance of mutual respect in relationships. Studies have shown that relationships thrive when both parties maintain mutual respect, trust, and understanding (Clark & Mills, 2011). A fair-weather friend may be around when things are easy but disappear when the going gets tough. Trusting someone who isn’t there when you need them is not respect—it’s self-deception.
In my case, Akash’s actions were not those of a true friend. His sudden let down showed me that respect in a friendship is earned through consistent actions and support, especially in times of adversity. As renowned sociologist Robert Putnam points out in his book Bowling Alone, “Social trust is not simply an abstract value—it is the foundation of effective and healthy relationships” (Putnam, 2000). I realized that respecting someone doesn’t mean blindly following them, especially when they fail to show the same level of respect in return.
This experience taught me the importance of standing up for myself, even when it meant going against authority or stepping away from unhealthy relationships. I realized that true respect is earned through actions, not demanded, and it should never leave you feeling powerless or broken. In her book Daring Greatly (2012), Brené Brown emphasizes how individuals who set boundaries and advocate for themselves experience better mental health and higher self-esteem. On the other hand, submitting to harmful situations can often lead to feelings of helplessness and resentment.
I now understand that respecting others, whether they are elders, peers, or friends, does not mean allowing them to harm you. True respect is about mutual understanding, maintaining your self-worth, and knowing when to protect yourself from those who may not have your best interests at heart. You can be kind, considerate, and respectful without compromising your own well-being.
4. Value yourself & set boundaries
Through my journey with Akash, I learned a crucial lesson—it's essential to value yourself and set clear boundaries in your relationships. In the beginning, I was so eager to help and be there for others, especially my so-called "friend." I ignored my own needs and put my own well-being aside to be a supportive friend. But this only led to a unhealthy and one-sided friendship.
The moment I allowed myself to be constantly available and neglected my own priorities, I unknowingly allowed others to take advantage of me. I let my boundaries blur, thinking it was an act of kindness, but in reality, it was enabling selfish behavior.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being cold or unkind. It means recognizing your worth and respecting yourself enough to not let others take you for granted. When you value yourself, you acknowledge that your time, emotions, and energy are precious, and you have every right to protect them.
In my case, I wish I had set boundaries with Akash earlier. Had I learned to say "no" when necessary or to prioritize my own needs, I could have avoided being hurt and disappointed. The truth is, no one can be everything for everyone, and trying to please others at the cost of your own happiness is a path to self-destruction.
This lesson taught me that real friendships are built on mutual respect and trust, not on one-sided effort or manipulation. As I continue to grow, I now know that it's okay to say no, to distance myself from people who don't respect my boundaries, and to put myself first when needed. By doing so, I can attract genuine, supportive relationships that add value to my life.
According to Dr. Henry Cloud, a clinical psychologist and author of Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. He states that boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins. It lets me know what I have a right to do and what I don’t have a right to do.
Research published by the Mayo Clinic Health System highlights that developing and maintaining healthy boundaries helps establish and build healthy relationships, avoiding unhealthy connections with people.
Additionally, an article from WebMD notes that setting boundaries can lead to benefits such as building greater self-esteem, getting clear on who you are and your values, enhancing mental health and emotional well-being, avoiding burnout, developing independence, and gaining a greater sense of identity.
In "Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World," Dr. Phil McGraw states:
"You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce."
This quote highlights that how we act and respond teaches others how to treat us. When we set clear boundaries and stick to them, we show people what we expect and how much we value ourselves.
5. Embrace change
Change is never easy. It often comes with uncertainty and discomfort. Looking back at my own experiences, I realize that embracing change was one of the hardest yet most rewarding lessons I’ve learned.
When I switched schools, I thought it would just be about adjusting to new subjects and making new friends. But I soon realized that change goes deeper than that. It meant stepping out of my comfort zone, letting go of old relationships, and facing new challenges that I wasn’t prepared for.
At first, I clung to the familiar — to the friends and routines I had known. But in doing so, I was holding on to things that were no longer helping me grow. The most painful part of the change was letting go of Akash, someone I had trusted as a close friend. But that’s when I learned that embracing change also means learning to let go of what no longer serves you, even if it’s difficult.
As I learned to embrace change and let go of people who no longer served my well-being, I realized how vital it was to protect myself emotionally. In the realm of relationships, letting go of unhealthy friendships became a key aspect of my self-care journey. Dr. Judith Orloff, in The Empath’s Survival Guide, emphasizes how crucial it is to set boundaries with unhealthy people—especially for those like me, who tend to be more sensitive or empathetic. She explains that establishing healthy boundaries isn't just about protecting one’s emotional space; it’s essential for safeguarding both our emotional and physical well-being. This practice not only helps in preserving our energy but also enables healing from the emotional toll of unhealthy relationships.
Change forced me to reassess what I truly needed in my life. I had to embrace new experiences, new ways of thinking, and sometimes even new versions of myself. As I distanced myself from unhealthy relationships, I became more aware of the kind of people I wanted around me. This was all part of a bigger transformation — not just in my life but in who I was becoming.
Looking back, I see now that the changes I feared the most were the ones that taught me the most. By accepting them, I found the strength to build a better future, one that didn’t rely on the comfort of the past. Embracing change isn’t just about surviving it, but about growing through it.
Embracing change often involves letting go of relationships or situations that no longer contribute to our growth. Dr. John Townsend, in his book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (1992), explains that unhealthy relationships drain emotional energy and hinder personal development. Embracing change means setting boundaries and distancing ourselves from such influences, which creates space for healthier relationships and emotional well-being, ultimately fostering growth and transformation.
6. Listen to your instincts
Throughout this experience, one of the most important lessons I learned was to always trust my instincts. There were moments when I felt that something was off with Akash, but I dismissed those feelings because I wanted to believe in our friendship. My instincts were telling me that things weren’t right, especially when Akash’s behavior started to contradict itself. However, I chose to ignore them, and that led to me being let down when I needed help the most.
Instincts are there to guide us, often warning us of potential harm or guiding us toward the right decisions. In the context of friendship, intuition can be especially important in recognizing when a relationship is healthy or when something is amiss. Research on friendship emphasizes that our gut feelings often stem from a deep, subconscious understanding of a person’s true character. According to Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John T. Cacioppo, our brains are wired to detect cues about trustworthiness and emotional sincerity, even when we might not be fully aware of it. Cacioppo’s research suggests that our instincts often help us identify when someone’s actions do not align with their words or when a person’s behavior feels "off," providing us with early warning signs that shouldn’t be ignored.
In hindsight, if I had listened to those subtle warnings, I could have avoided the disappointment and heartbreak. This experience taught me that it’s crucial not to silence those inner voices, no matter how small or insignificant they seem. As research has shown, trusting your gut can lead to more fulfilling outcomes, both in decision-making and relationships. (Psychological Science) They are our subconscious trying to protect us, helping us make better choices.
But what now?
Looking back, I realize just how much this experience shaped who I am today. It was a painful lesson, but one that forced me to grow emotionally and mentally. At the time, I couldn’t understand why Akash had treated me the way he did, but now, I see it as an opportunity to better understand myself and the nature of relationships.
I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of disappointment and confusion when Akash's actions left me in that difficult position. But as time passed, I realized that this heartbreak wasn't just about losing a friend—it was about discovering my own strength. I learned that true friendships are built on trust, loyalty, and mutual respect, and that it’s okay to walk away when those qualities aren’t present.
Through it all, I came to understand the importance of setting boundaries—not just with others, but also with myself. I had allowed myself to become overly invested in someone who didn’t value our friendship the same way I did. I had to learn the hard way that self-respect means knowing when to let go, even when it hurts.
Today, I feel a sense of peace and wisdom that I didn’t have back then. I know now that it’s okay to say no, to walk away from people who don’t support or value me, and most importantly, to trust myself and my instincts. I’ve come to appreciate the strength it takes to embrace change, and the freedom that comes with letting go of relationships that no longer serve me.
This experience didn’t just teach me about unhealthy friendships; it taught me about my own resilience and the importance of self-care. It’s a journey that has shaped my understanding of relationships and, ultimately, who I want to be. And while it was difficult, I’m grateful for it, because it’s made me stronger and more in tune with the kind of people I want in my life.
If you’ve ever faced the challenge of letting go of unhealthy relationships or navigating difficult changes in your life, I’d love to hear your story. Feel free to share your experiences in the comments below or connect with me on social media. Remember, you’re not alone—sometimes, sharing our journeys can be the first step toward healing and growth.